Outside for Christmas

Today I really felt like an outsider and I don't know what I did to feel that way.
Well I do but it wasn't some maligned action that caused this
But I guess sometimes the welcome mT that is extended out isn't always so welcoming
See when people want to make you feel like an outsider they don't have to say your an outsider, it's there actions that tell you.
It's those little seclusive acts, that tell you that 
YOUR DIFFERENT
YOUR NOT ONE OF US
YOUR NOT A PART OF THIS FAMILY
I WILL TOLERATE YOU UNTIL YOUR NOT NECESSARY TO BE TOLERATED
I don't have to be a Scorpio to sense when somebody doesn't like my character
I don't have to possess a masters in communication to understand the speech acts that are made to scrutinize my every move, and criticize my person.
By mere fact of human I can feel your penetrate my soul, and tell me that you dislike me
This week was the first time I shed tears over the fact that I realized that i am genuinely disliked by this person.
Was it the side conversations that were overheard
The many times I was conveniently left out of family plans
Or the direct command not to let me tie up a persons time.
Today I hurt because it's not because I hated anybody that brought on this emotion, it s because of my love for somebody else.
If I could I would tell them, don't hate me, cause I envy you, that you have a bind that cannot be broken and my bond to your sibling is tested everyday
If I could tell them, I would let them know that I see the human in them and I loe them for that humanity but their forcefulness doesn't mark strength to me, it only indicates their fiercely obvious insecurities and I love them for that
I wish I could hug them and tell them I love them but I feel rejected cause I know they see me as an outsider 
I'm going back outside now until I'm invited back in